When it Can't Be Fixed -- Comfort for the Hurting

Lately, it seems there are a number of people in my life going through difficult times that can't be averted.  It's been, a strangely-weird and selfish way, comforting to know other people struggling because we've been struggling together.  

My mother is housing my grandmother.  There's no way around it for my mother and it's extremely difficult dealing with dementia and senility on a daily basis.  And despite my personal experience in difficult-impossible to fix situations, it's still been difficult to know what to say and how to be for my mom, to be a comfort to her, without just irritating her with possible solution ideas that she has to explain won't work because. . . 

Likewise, Ray is having struggles being the executor of his step-mother's estate and he has chastised me for trying to solve everything (like a guy!) instead of just listening (which you would think would be a natural trait for a gal!!). 

Anyway, Ray and I have sympathized with folks who clearly love us, but feel an awkward silence in talking with us because they just don't know what to DO.  And we haven't really known what to tell people about how to help us, and conversely (and clearly) I've had my own trouble with being there for other people in my life who have been having a chronic, daily, impossible-to-fix problems.  When I saw this list, it was just like a real lightbulb for me, and honestly, some of the things listed here are things people have been doing for us that have just meant the world.

  So I thought I'd share what I found in case you have some folks you know that are struggling and feel a little empty-handed about how to help.  

This actually comes from Barbara Hope Hulford in a book, "Best Small-Group Ideas."  I'm just going to quote the whole entry.

What do you say to someone who's hurting, with no solution in sight?  What comfort can you offer when no words seem sufficient?  Some problems have no real solutions.  Children are born with serious handicaps.  Businesses fail.  Incurable illnesses strike.  Having had far more experience than I wish, I offer the following suggestions for giving comfort in "impossible" situations.

1.  Be available.  Let your friend know you will be there, whenever needed, for as long as needed.  Knowing that can itself be an enormous comfort.

2.  Listen.  Listen with your ears, your eyes, your whole posture.  The gift you have to offer is more often a listening ear than a practical solution.

3.  Offer specific, practical help.    Can you accompany your friend to a meeting with the doctor, as moral support?  Can you run an errand, mow a lawn, or baby-sit a child long enough to allow your friend a nap or time to cry?  Ask what's needed most.

4.  Organize support.  Volunteer to coordinate people who will babysut, make meals, do laundry, do housework, and so forth.

5.  Inquire about finances.  If this crisis results in lost wages, additional medical bills, and other financial burders, ask tactfully but directly if the family is going to be able to manage.  If not, could the church pay a month's rent?  The phone bill?  Cover car repairs?  Send over several bags of groceries?

6.  Assist with red tape.  The number of doctors, insurance companies, social organizations, and so on that one has to deal with in certain situations can be absolutely overwhelming.  Could someone else call the doctor or insurance company and straighten out the bill?  Offer to be a buffer between your friends and these bureaucracies.

7.  Include your friends in the normal activities of life.  When a problem is long-term, you just can't put your life on hold till it's over.  Invite the children to a birthday party, movie, or dinner at McDonald's.  Have your friends over for a meal or arrange a quiet evening alone for husband and wife.

8. Pray and let your friend know you are praying.  Ask for prayer requests, too.

9.  Keep at it.  Often support is offered in abundance in the first days following a crisis but slows down to a trickle in weeks, months, and years that follow, when discouragement and exhaustion may make support all the more necessary.

Adoption-related.  Our agency was hopeful sounding today (kinda) about possibly getting refunded the extra money we paid, which they have promised to refund (but somehow haven't ever gotten around it).  Anyway, we're going to wait until Wednesday and then ask for a phone conference with one of the lawyers to get some straight answers.  We'll see.

It also looks like our fingerprints expire at the end of July, so we are going to have to begin getting those redone (which take a couple of months) and should get them redone in two weeks, I think.  It takes a couple of weeks to get the appointment (we may have to drive up to Charleston, WV again).  Anyway, we're really really really really hoping we can get our boys home before the end of July.  

Love you all,

Kelli