It's Beginning Again

It's starting all over again -- the late night phone calls, the secrets and scams, our agency untruths, un-returned phone calls, ignored emails . . .  the scandal flares.  "Just when you think it's bad, it gets moreso" -- quote from Ray.  I feel sick to my stomach.  Nothing seems to dull the ache in my heart.  Nothing.

I once read this article that talked about how we get so programmed to expect things -- like when someone bumps you in the supermarket.  You expect him/her to say, "excuse me" and if that person doesn't, then there's a short moment when your brain nearly short-circuits.  And I don't know.  Right now I feel this combination of rage and hopelessness, of desperation and of sheer loneliness that so few people seem to really understand.  I want to scream or cry or throw a fit or something in protest for how terribly cruel this process is.  We are human lives caught in the balance.  Human lives.  It's not stray puppies or an abundance of deer in the area, or too many birds in the city -- we are human lives that deserve to have each other.  

Americans want fairness.

Fairness doesn't exist here and it's a hard fact to swallow.  Love is not part of this system.  And the part that makes my brain want to short-circuit is that fact that it's the Americans we've hired that have made this mess.  It's not God; it's not God's will that this should be this way.  I know it now.  This is not a test or something we're meant to learn from (though we should always learn).  No, this is the foolishness of man.  And I'm so angry that I shouldn't be writing, and I'm trying to be angry because otherwise I just want to weep and somehow anger feels stronger.

I didn't get a chance to talk to folks from Guatemala today, but maybe tomorrow.  Maybe good news tomorrow.